Truth behind the revelation
by dianakotori
Summary: Tag to 02x15 'Revelations': Eight long years after Spencer Reid's torture at the hands of Tobias Hankel, Aaron Hotchner reminisces about what tortured himself for a long time after that cold February night in Georgia.


**_This story was revised and extended on June 14_****_th_****_, 2016_**

_Welcome.__This is just an idea I had while I was working on another story. The Episode everyone has written about, from a different point of view, just to "stretch my legs" (metaphorically speaking). _

_Spoilers from "Revelations", Season 2, and mentions from facts in "Jones" Season 2, "Nelson's Sparrow" and "Rock Creek Park", Season 10._

**_Warnings: _**_Mentions of drug use. _

_I am not a native English speaker. Any critique about the story, but also grammar and spelling, will be highly appreciated._

* * *

**TRUTH BEHIND THE REVELATION**  
**A Criminal Minds Fan Fiction.**

_"The events in our lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves,  
they find their own order in the continuous thread of revelation."_

_Eudora Welty._

-v-v-v-

The unit chief had been studying a case file for the last three hours, and found some subtle inconsistencies in one of the statements. It was an exhausting job, and as he stopped reading, Aaron stretched himself, and sighed deeply. It was Friday night, and his back was killing him.

He decided to stop for the day. After all, the criminal was already behind bars, and they could check on those inconsistencies tomorrow. Absentmindedly, his left hand went to the top drawer of his desk, to find a highlighter pen. Instead of that, his fingers grasped a plastic CD case.

He took that compact disc out, and fixed his sight on it, a little bit surprised to see it after all these years. It was a normal, innocuous CD-R, but in it… there was recorded a nightmare.

The label read 'Case 4571-0207', and no one would have special interest in it, it would harm nobody... except for one person.

After the end of the tragedy, Reid had asked them if they kept a copy of the footage from his captivity in the Hankel case. Aaron said they didn't. Of course, he'd lied, and Garcia with him.

He had kept that awful piece of evidence here, in his top left drawer, for eight long years, to stop bringing back those memories to Spencer. The unit chief obviously knew; with his eidetic memory, those moments were burnt in the young agent's mind forever, like they'd just happened yesterday. However, the older man was not going to let him see himself back there, the same way the whole team saw him, suffering in that terrible place that stole so much from him.

That certainly didn't stop Aaron's own sad memories to come back.

_He was exhausted. They had been searching for their youngest agent frantically already for days, but every clue, every signal seemed to guide them to a dead end. It was like suddenly, all of their profiling abilities, all of their logic... their skills... their _need_ to find him, were just useless. Like this enemy was the most powerful, the most unreachable of the monsters._

He could not help but to imagine Tobias Hankel as Cerberus... the three headed beast guarding the entrance of Tartarus...

_He was also worried, sickly worried about how Spencer was going to survive through this... if he did. As he'd said to Gideon, they had been using... _abusing _him for his brain, never worried about the emotional part, the emotional cost an ordeal like this could be for a young man as special as Reid. And it was not as easy as Gideon said "lead by example"... What example could that be?_

_Obviously Gideon didn't know the answer either. That night, all that Aaron could see in the hallway of Hankel's house, was Jason, as pale as paper, more scared than ever, stumbling out of the computer room and locking himself in the bathroom._

_Aaron could smell the stale air in the computer room as he went in. He saw the faces of his colleagues, grey, surprised and frightened; their eyes all fixed in one of the multiple screens that were showing the same horrible scene. He could hear Penelope sobbing unintelligible words._

_(Wh... What happened?) He thought._

_And then, _that_._

_"He just killed him... he is not breathing, is he?" Garcia mumbled within her tears, and Aaron felt as if some invisible fist punched him in the stomach and almost all the air abandoned his lungs. Then curiosity, courage and most of all, guilt, pushed him to fix his gaze in one of the screens._

_There it was… the pixelated shape of the fallen agent, humiliated, lying on the floor on a painful position, with red stains on the side of his face, still attached to a heavy chair in the dark, unmoving. Helpless, _lifeless_ like an abandoned toy. There was only silence._

_(No... This can't be. This is not possible. He can't be dead... Oh God he can't... He can't.)_

_Aaron felt an unexpected lump in his throat, and the stinging heat of tears behind his eyes._

_Didn't know how long it was  
(seconds, minutes... days?)  
when the killer appeared back in the shed, and started to give Spencer CPR._

_The unit chief ran out of the room; not to escape, but to bring back Jason. He had to see this._

Aaron only found out days later, when reading the reports, that the punishment given to Spencer had been, indeed, a direct consequence of Gideon's actions. It wasn't even the first time this happened. The man put, yet again, his personal need to stop the '_unsub'_ above the safety of one of the agents of his team.

Jason ran into the bathroom, not out of pain or grief for the death of one of the members of his team, his protégé... He ran away from his own mistake... From his own culpability.

_And it was like a miracle in itself, when they heard the young agent suddenly coughing, trying to breathe, weary, terrified... But alive._

_Of course, the killer had not finished yet._

_All of them now had to see how, against his will, Tobias Hankel tried to use again Spencer Reid as an instrument to justify his own sins, his own insanity and his own blood thirst. How he tried to break him, forcing him to choose one of their own to die._

_"Kill me..."_

_Those words made Aaron's heart break inside his chest, and, deep in his mind, he knew…_

When Spencer offered himself to Hankel as a sacrifice, he was already defeated. He had given up hope, and felt he was never going to make it out of that shed alive... That CPR just served to prolong his suffering.

_He didn't even flinch when the trigger was pulled right next to his forehead... three times._

For a long time afterwards, Hotchner asked himself, how did Spencer know? How did he know when to stop? How did he know when the gun was going to spit the bullet right through his head? Of course, no one had the courage to ask him.

Everyone had their own speculations. Maybe he used statistics, or mathematics. Maybe he could see the bullet in the chamber... Maybe that time the gun made a different sound... The answer that came now, as clear as water, to the unit chief, was way simpler, and at the same time, more terrifying than everything else.

Reid didn't know.

_Then, Aaron saw the change in him. It was not the expression on his face. After all, the camera was too far and too low quality to be able to notice. It was something subtler, and deeper. The mood in the room, the way Spencer straightened himself, lifting his head, like challenging the killer._

_"I choose Aaron Hotchner."_

_For just one microsecond, those four words were like a bucket of ice cold water on the unit chief's face._

_(WHY ME?)_

_He was brought back to reality by the hideous noise of the shotgun fired to the wall of the shed, mere inches above Spencer's head, just in time for him to listen to the rest of the words the young man said. Those words that offered the clue that finally got them to find him._

Hotchner understood that, in that moment, Reid was convinced that his chances to escape alive were narrow and he seemed to be resigned to it. He offered the clues not for them to find him… it was only his last effort to guide the team to find and stop the killer, even if it was already too late for him.

Miraculously, their arrival granted Spencer the chance to shoot the murderer himself, and when he did, it was an act of pure, raw survival instinct.

_When Hotchner heard the lone gunshot in the darkness of the graveyard, for a horrifying instant he thought the worst had happened._

_Sheer relief showered him when he saw the youngest member of his team, the one they used to see as the weakest, standing among the shadows. At the same time, the killer collapsed in front of him, like a torn down statue. Aaron barely refrained himself from running toward his subordinate, and he witnessed how, in a last and unbelievable act of compassion, Spencer Reid crouched by the side of Tobias Hankel in his final moments… to be with him… to not let him die alone._

_The unit chief approached the young man, and helped him to stand, taking him by the arm carefully. He wanted to touch him. He wanted to be sure that this was not a dream. He wanted to confirm that Reid was truly alive… that they hadn't failed him just like they did to Elle._

_"__You all right?" Hotchner dared to ask, almost in a whisper._

_In response, Spencer threw himself unexpectedly into his arms and clung to him, like a blind man who sees the light for the first time, like a castaway holding the lone piece of wood that will keep him afloat. His whole body was engulfed in a nauseating smell of burnt fish mixed with sweat, dried blood and rotten leaves… a smell that would remain in Hotchner's memory forever, but it didn't matter, because with that embrace, Reid made Aaron's soul return to his body. _

_"__I knew you'd understand…" Spencer whispered and his damp eyes said everything, before he broke that brief contact, this time to hug JJ._

Deep in his heart, after all these years, Aaron finally realized... Reid chose him, above everyone else, not because he was his boss, or for his knowledge, or quick-thinking. It was simply because he trusted him with his life, more than anyone else. Like a son would've trusted his father.

The biggest proof of that trust was when, after coming back from that Jack the Ripper copycat case in New Orleans, Spencer asked to talk with the unit chief, in private.

That day, Aaron expected him to finally open, to finally admit what was happening to him, to finally ask for help to defeat the monster with no name that had been eating him since those horrific days in Georgia.

_"I missed that plane to Galveston on purpose." Reid said without any preamble, standing by the closed door and looking at Hotchner straight in the eye. "Although probably you already know, because I told Gideon back in New Orleans, and maybe he informed you. What I didn't tell him is the true reason why I did it. I think as my boss… and my friend, you have the right to know."_

_There was a deep silence between the two men, but none of them moved from their places. Reid made a thin line with his lips and then went on. _

_"As you know by the blood work I got done when I was in the hospital after my… uh… abduction… for almost three days Tobias Hankel kept drugging me... c-continuously. That should've stopped the moment you found me in the graveyard… but… uh… it… it didn't. Hankel… he still had those drugs in his pocket, when I k-killed him. Plenty. I… I stole them. I kept using them... I thought they were going to make everything better and the fear and pain to go away... But he lied... That doesn't happen. Drugs don't help. Drugs just make you numb... just ruin your life... Just take away your hope and turn you into an addict."_

_Spencer exhaled a trembling sigh. Suddenly his eyes were glassy with tears, but he didn't lower them._

_For the unit chief, keeping his face unreadable this time was harder than ever before._

_Aaron was sad and angry, but not with Reid. Never with Reid. In any case... the young man was only a victim. _

_He was angry with himself, for letting all of this happen, for waiting for so long to offer the help that deep inside he knew was desperately needed…_

_At the same time, he was proud. So proud of the man who was standing before him, because he was now strong enough to admit that he had a problem, wise enough to tell someone and open enough to ask for help._

_"I understand." Aaron said. "Please, sit down."_

_Spencer obeyed, without a word. He seemed genuinely amazed by the fact that the unit chief was not surprised by the words he just had uttered._

_"__I take this… confession… as a sign that you want to stop. Am I right?" Hotchner asked, leaning on his chair. Reid nodded, with a hint of hope in his eyes._

_"__I started doing some… research, yes." The young man said, this time looking away from Aaron. "Getting clean from Dilaudid shouldn't take me long… and I know it's not going to be exactly a pleasant experience... but I want to be free. To be at the mercy of the drug is like being at the mercy of Hankel all over again... I can't take it anymore. I... I said to Gideon that I was never going to miss another plane... however, I know after what I've just said surely you'll be expecting my resignation and I don't bl..."_

_"__Reid. Spencer. Stop." Hotchner said, leaning toward the desk and rising his hands in front of him. __He remembered the immediate aftermath of the young man's ordeal. Those few days in the hospital in Atlanta, holding the hand of the fallen agent while he was going through withdrawal for the first time, were a nightmare for everyone in the team. Reid didn't wait long enough to come back to work after that. He wasn't absent even for a week, and here there were the consequences. "No one is talking about resignation. You will take all the time you consider necessary for a true and total recovery. I don't want to have you back too soon only to discover something has gone wrong again. Do I make myself clear?"_

_(I will not make the same mistake again, Spencer. I will not abandon you, I promise. I owe it to Elle.)_

_"To have me... back?" __A silent tear finally rolled down Reid's cheek. __"I thought... I mean the obvious thing is for me to be fired..."_

_"It would be a big mistake. We want that amazing mind of yours busy in something else. Not just for you. For every person you have helped, and you will help."_

_"I told Gideon that if I have the chance to keep working in this place, I will never compromise my job again. I will not allow anything to interfere with my performance... and I am really, really sorry."_

_The unit chief sighed._

_"Spencer..." He said, putting his hands together. "I think it is time for you to understand something. This is not about the job. This is about you. The man, not the FBI agent. You have been through a lot. What you did before is wrong, but understandable under the circumstances. What you are doing now is a good start. In fact, remarkable."_

_The young agent opened his mouth to say something, but no sound came from it._

_"Now, I'm obviously taking this conversation as a vow that you will fight that addiction till the end." Aaron continued. "And because you trusted me enough to tell me this, I want you to know that I will be there to help you. The moment you feel withdrawal is becoming too much, or you have cravings, call me. It doesn't matter the time, or the day, or if we are in a case. I will help you. That is my vow."_

_"Thank you, Hotch."_

_"You're welcome, Reid. As long as you keep your promise, I will keep mine. For everyone else, this conversation never existed, ok? Are you all right to go home at the moment?"_

_"Yes, yes. Thanks again."_

_Now, the young agent had a wide smile on his face, one that Aaron had not seen since the Super Bowl party, what felt like ages ago._

_"Your leave of absence starts now." The unit chief said, with a smile of his own. "I will give you two weeks for a start. We'll see how you feel then. If you need more time, just let me know."_

_He nodded, and left the office, with his head held high. _

Spencer never broke his pledge. Aaron helped him through the worst stages of withdrawal and when cravings hit too hard. The young agent made him promise he would never let anyone use narcotics on him. That promise was also faithfully kept, to this day.

As time went by, the unit chief started to suspect that something was broken forever between Spencer and Jason. It began as a tiny crack, probably neither of them noticed it in the beginning. However, it became a fissure that soon turned into an abyss, and Gideon denied himself the chance to try to close that rift, by running away.

Aaron was there, witnessing Reid's hurt after that absence, for years, when the young man used to make calls while he thought no one was watching, never getting an answer... When he wrote endless pages that went into the bin unsent and unread... When Jason's death stole away the last hope of a reconciliation between them...

_"I choose Aaron Hotchner."_

Even if he knew their purpose, those four words were the subject of Aaron's nightmares for ages. Now, in the distance of time, he was not afraid of them anymore. He was proud.

It seemed life was resolved to take everything away from Spencer. There, in the solitude of his office, the unit chief decided he was always going to be there for him. His vow was not going to be limited to the young man's addiction. He was not going to let life take him away from a man he learned to care so much. Something bigger than friendship, a _bond_ almost as strong as a relationship between father and son, was born from that tragedy in Georgia.

(I choose Spencer Reid.) He thought, and a very small smile lightened his features.

He was brought back to the present by someone knocking on the door of his office.

"Come in" He said, putting away quickly the infamous CD, as if it burnt his hand.

The young man opened the door, and poked his head around it. Aaron could see how much he had changed through the years. He was not that insecure boy looking for approval anymore, even if he was still as crazy and impulsive sometimes.

"Hotch, rescue me." Spencer said, his voice high in pitch. The unit chief beckoned the young man to enter.

Reid closed the door behind him, and came to sit in front of the desk, in a position all too familiar to his boss.

"What's wrong?" Aaron asked.

"Morgan and Garcia... They want me to go out and have drinks with them tonight... But it is not any normal night out with colleagues. Even Kate and JJ are in this. Help me. Please, tell them that you have work for me. They found out I invited someone for a coffee... It's going to be an interrogation."

The smile on the unit chief's face became wider.

"How did they find that out?" He asked.

Spencer's hands started to fight each other on his lap, and he bit his lower lip.

"A slip of the tongue, maybe..."

Aaron could see the face of the younger agent blushing.

"No worries." He said, grabbing the phone to call Garcia and take Spencer out of his misery.

Suddenly, he froze.

"Wait a minute... Reid... Do you have a date?"

-v-v-v-

_"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive,  
and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."_

_Anaïs Nin._


End file.
